I quit posting to the internet to ensure I don’t lose my job but this topic is too close to me (as I will explain in a bit) for me not to blog about. Im not going to post the link on twitter so only the 30 or so readers this blog has will ever read this. I doubt that my employer will ever find this post. Mostly Im typing this for myself.
I’m sure most of you know of Elliot Roger who killed 6 people in a rampage in Santa Barbara California. I recently had the time to read his 140 page manifesto, titled “My Twisted World.” It took me about 6 hours over the course of two days. One of the things he briefly talked about in this manifesto was his short lived dream to write a screenplay and have it made into a movie. He gave up on this dream simply because it would not get him rich fast enough. One of the most tragic things in the world is wasted talent. The manifesto was quite a page turner. He would have made a great writer, if only he followed through and did the hard work.
For those who want to read it here is a copy.
Elliot Roger lived the life many of us can only dream of. He wore designer clothes, drove a car estimated to be worth $40,000 got to interact with A list celebrities because his parents worked in Hollywood. He lived in nice homes on his parents dime and they fully funded his college education. However in his manifesto he admits to merely going through the paces so his parents don’t cut him off financially.
I find the story of Elliot Roger interesting because I see a lot of my own story in his manifesto. We went through similar experiences, but turned out very different. Like Roger my parents divorced and my dad married his mistress who then worked to rid my brother and I from his life. The last time I ever spoke to my father was when he called to tell me that his wife did not want me coming around any longer. We never spoke again. A few years ago I learned that he died of a heart attack and his wife had the balls to bad mouth me at the funeral for not showing up.
Like Elliot Roger I grew up in a fairly well off household, although no where near as rich was his family was. My parents owned a successful business that my dad’s new wife sucked financially dry like the vampire she is. When I last spoke to my dad he was pretty much broke. Those who cheat on their wives always get what is coming to them. If I am ever lucky enough to find someone to marry I will be twice the husband he ever was. On an earlier blog I wrote about how I paid my own child support. If you want to read it click here and it will open in a new tab.
I guess my biggest complaint against Elliot Roger was his unwillingness to accept blame for his shortcomings. Throughout the manifesto he laments how he has failed at everything he ever tried. He tried skateboarding because he thought he could become popular if he was a skateboarder. However when he found that there were people younger than him who were better than him, he gave up. Rather than ask his parents (who fulfilled every wish he had) to help him by getting him a coach to help him improve he just gave up. For him, he had to be the best or it just wasn’t worth doing. I enjoy playing basketball. Even at my size I still play the game. The last time I played was a few months ago. I was only able to last about 30 minutes but I made two baskets. Although I think my friends just let me make those two baskets. I have no delusions about my ability. Even when I was in shape I was never that good at sports. Everyone has talent but others will always have more talent and some will be less talented than me.
I think one of the greatest things about the last time I played basketball was the other fat people watching. Here I was playing with people young enough to be my sons and all they could do was watch. Some of them probably thought I was making a fool of myself, but I was just having fun with some friends from work. Possibly a few looked at me with envy. As for my size I have nobody to blame but myself. I ate myself to this size because for a while I was feeling down and depressed. I am now doing much better but still have a way to go before I am at a healthy weight again.
Another thing that Elliot Roger did is that he blamed women for not finding him attractive. He believed them to be wrong for being attracted to athletic jocks instead of a gentleman like him. Like Elliot Roger I have had difficulty with the ladies. I am shy when I am around someone beautiful and often won’t even look them in the eye. I usually look down, which in a way works out because of my foot fetish. LOL. However, let’s take a look at what Elliot actually had to offer the ladies. He had no major in college, he was not studying to be something that paid well such as a doctor or lawyer. He was only going to college so his parents would continue supporting him. Ladies like the same thing us guys do. They like someone to be attractive (although everyone is attracted to different body types) they like someone who will treat them nice and not cheat on them. However ladies desire something more than us guys do. They want someone who is going somewhere. Even if they are not there yet. That is what college is, working towards a goal. It is not just a place to score babes. It is a place of hard work. If Elliot was still alive I would tell him this. Women did not reject you because they don’t like gentlemen, there are lots of gentlemen who get women. They rejected you because you did not offer them anything.
Now I’ve had my own problems with the ladies. A lot of it has to do with my size. The solution to that problem is simple, lose weight. Which of course I am doing. Another problem I have had is most of my jobs were low paying. I did attempt to solve that problem by going to community college. My current job is one that I enjoy but they do struggle with paying me. One time I went 6 weeks without a paycheck. This week I was paid but only partially. I could probably get a job with a competitor as I have had offers but I don’t like job hopping. So I don’t blame ladies for not finding me a catch. I am overweight and I don’t earn a lot of money. Both of these problems could be easily solved and on the weight side I am.
The manifesto was a very interesting read but it was also tragic in the way it ended. No where in his 140 page manifesto did he describe the qualities he looked for in a woman. All he wanted was a tall blonde. His desire for a female was just for sex, nowhere did I read about the type of relationship he wanted to have with her. Did he want someone who enjoys going out or someone who prefers to stay home and watch TV? Did he want someone with a career or a stay at home mom? Did he want someone who enjoys public displays of affection? These are very important questions for me and any potential mate I might have. No where was this discussed. All he talked about was sex.
He didn’t even go into detail about what type of sexual encounter that he wanted. He wrote in graphic detail his masterbation session in which he apparently humped his bed. 0_o Did he want someone kinky? Did he want to do weird stuff like have her cluck like a chicken while he ate scrambled eggs off her ass? (An actual fantasy of mine, don’t judge)
In his manifesto he began to lament about how he despised other men who had sex while he didn’t. He then went down the rabbit hole of WTF when he wrote about how he wanted to rip the skin off these men while their girlfriends watched. His manifesto filled with really twisted sadistic fantasies about what he would like to do if only he had the power. He wrote about how he would build a concentration camp for women and watch them starve to death keeping only a few alive for breeding purposes to keep the human species going. Then humanity would be a utopia free of the evils of women. Had he payed attention in biology class instead of looking at the girls he might have learned that a limited gene pool leads to retardation.
Else where in the manifesto he wrote about how women are not capable of making the right choice in a mate and thus the decision should be made for them, of course he would be one of the people who chooses who gets who. Fun fact, sex without consent is rape and most ladies don’t like to be raped. I begin to wonder if any of the ladies ever picked up on his views of them and this is why they rejected them.
I guess the reason I am so interested in this Elliot Roger is how similar we started out and how different we turned out. Although my parents divorce destroyed my world and I was heart broken by my father’s betrayal it only made me want to be twice the man he ever was. I wanted to rise above him. I wanted to see him living in that shack he and his mistress lived in as he saw me being faithful to my wife. They say hookers in Las Vegas can be expensive but the mistress my dad married managed to drain in a few short years what took my parents a lifetime to build. Prior to the divorce my parents owned 3 houses and had built their business from a garage to a large building that used to be a grocery store. That mistress cost my dad at least a a million dollars.
Unlike Elliot Roger I did not allow my parents divorce and financial problems impact me. At 19 I moved out after my own father fired me from the company I was supposed to inherit because his wife wanted me gone, I got a minimum wage job as a security guard and worked my way up until I got the good positions that paid more. I put in my time with the company. Elliot Roger had one job for about 3 hours as a janitor. He quit the job because he thought it was beneath him. He had that luxuary. He had parents who for some reason allowed him to do this and continued supporting him. For a while when I was 19 I lived in my vehicle. My father knew this and did nothing. Again in 2008 I was homeless again after I tried and failed to run my own business. This time I had help from some kind people on the internet. But you want to know what did it. I had a plan.
I laid out my plan on YouTube, each step I had to take in order to get out of my situation. People saw that I was serious and they helped. I then posted updates on YouTube after each step was completed. Eventually I was able to repay the donations. Elliot Roger did not have a plan. Other than to be rich. He spent his parents money on lottery tickets instead of using the tool they already gave him. College is how you become rich. You study and get a degree in a field that is in high demand. I once had a room mate who was a welder. He worked hard and came home covered in sweat. However, he drove a brand new truck. He got jobs that most other welders can’t get because of the extra certifications he had. He was only with me a few months as his job sent him to a new city once his welding was done.
In the manifesto he talks about how he would walk in the common areas hoping some woman would approach him. He also talked about his inability to take the first step and talk to women. It has since come out in the news that he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which limits his ability to socially interact. So does this mean that anyone with Aspergers Syndrome can not make friends or get a date? Certainly not. There are many who have Aspergers and are happily married. Instead of overcoming an obstacle Elliot Roger found it easier to blame others for his short comings.
He envied and later hated those who were taller and more athletic than he was despite the fact he had to have known genetics play a huge role in this. He was half asian which typically means he is not going to be playing professional basketball. Yao Ming is the exception not the rule. He gave up on skateboarding because he couldn’t be the best. Not everyone gets to be Tony Hawk. Some naturally are going to be more gifted than others.
Whether it was skatebording, hackysack, or anything else he wrote about it was always for the same goal, popularity. It was never about friends. He also wrote about ending friendships because they were not beneficial to him. He also ended friendships because his friends sometimes did things without him. For this I feel the Oompa Loompas wanting to sing a song. If they did it would be about how his parents fulfilled every wish. Perhaps it was out of guilt for the divorce. If Elliot Roger was alive today I would tell him to get kindness he had to offer kindness. None of his activies he described doing just because he enjoyed it.
Another thing I noticed in his manifesto was his constant fixation with tall blondes. That was all he wrote about. Apparently that was all he saw. In his college apartment his room make brought a girl home and he was repulsed by her appearance. When you are starving in the desert you don’t turn down a glass of water because it isn’t your brand. I would have chatted with the room mate and asked him to have his girlfriend find me a mate even if she wasn’t a perfect 10. In fact he had lots of opportunities for this. Every school has a few girls that are known as “the sure thing.” In his manifesto he wrote about the verbal fights he got into with some of his friends because they had girlfriends and he didn’t. I would have talked to one of these friends and asked for help instead of yelling at them. If all he wanted was a roll in the hay I’m sure his friends would have introduce him to the girls in charge of hay rolling. Instead he fought with his friends until they started distancing themselves from him.
Never in his manifesto did he talk about what he wanted to offer the ladies. Other than his flashy car and his designer clothes. He was proud of the fact that he dressed better than everyone else and that he drove a fancy car and got to be on the red carpet for hollywood events. He didn’t get any of that. His parents worked hard to get where they were and he was living off of their money. He had no job, and had no plans for the future. Combine that and his views on women he might as well been wearing chick repellent.
Yes the parents are to blame for spoiling him. His father is greatly to blame for choosing his new wife over his own son time and time again. His mother is to blame for coddling him and never holding him accountable. However Elliot Roger is to blame for his unwillingness to overcome his obstacles. He had the ability. Granted he was short but he was a good looking man. With the right attitude he could have gotten plenty of girls. Granted tall blondes usually don’t go for short guys but did he ever overlook some of the ladies who were not a perfect 10? Was there possibly a girl who was just as shy as he was but he never saw her because his eyes were always set on tall blondes?
I see a lot of myself in Elliot Roger especially in our past and the difficulty we have in meeting ladies. The difference is I chose to never give up. I accept that I will never be great at basketball, but when my friends are playing I ask to join in. I accept that I will never be Brad Pitt but I also recognize that I must get to a healthy weight to make myself more desireable. Even so, there are chubby chasers out there who prefer big men.
Like Elliot Roger I have a desire to be rich, or at least financially independent. Each week I set aside money as it is my goal to purchase a few acres of land and put some trailers on it and charge people rent. Then buy another parcel of land and repeat the process again and again, paying cash for everything and not going into debt. I don’t make a lot of money at my job, but I work hard to save what I can. I don’t waste money on lottery as he did. He spent hundreds of dollars at a time of his parents money on lottery tickets instead of spending that money on tutors to get good grades in college. He had the opportunity to get his Masters Degree or even possibly a PhD. His parents would have paid for his education and then he would have a well paying job. Instead of doing the work he tried the short cut with a foolish attempt at winning the lottery. He wrote about how everyone at college was out having fun and sex and he was angry he did not get to live that lifestyle. He must have overlooked the people who work and can only afford to go to school part time, or the people who take student loans to pay for college. His education was handed to him and he merely went there to continue to live off his parents money.
A few times he wrote about how he hated his mother for not wanting to get married again even though she was dating several wealthy men. He wrote about how selfish she was for not marrying money so he could sponge off his new step dad. He actually blamed her for not doing enough for him even though he was already one of the richest kids on campus. Money can not buy happiness. Money will not make you popular. True friends are not those who are on the party bus. True friends are on the city bus when the party bus breaks down. When you are down and out that is when you find out who your friends are. Elliot Roger openly wrote about only using his friends as a means to an end. It is this part of Elliot Roger that I am thankful I do not see myself in.
Elliot Roger openly wrote about how he failed at everything he tried, the truth is he gave up too easy because he never wanted to do the work. The only good thing that I can say about his tragic end is that he also failed in his day of retribution. He came armed with 400 rounds of ammunition but was only able to kill 3 people with his guns. Three others were by swords. In his YouTube video he announced his plans to go into a sorority house and kill everyone inside. He was foiled by a locked door. I guess when you walk up to a sorority house with a loaded gun they tend to lock the front door. He never made it to killing his younger brother or his step mother. He was shot by police and wounded before he could reach that part of his plan. In the end he did an AnHero and took his own life as he planned to do. The lives he took and the lives he ruined with his rampage was tragic but looking in perspective it could have been a lot worse. 400 rounds of ammunition.
I actually wish I had stumbled upon his videos before they were news. He would be the kind of person I would reach out to. Getting a girlfriend would not have solved his problems. All it would take is for the relationship to go south and we are right back to mass murder. I would have liked to have talked to him over skype and convince him to buckle down and realize the lucky hand that life had dealt to him. Perhaps my talk would achieve nothing. Some people can not be helped. Some people are just bad seeds. Some people just want to see the world burn.
I remember in 2010 my friend Vogter did a video about True Forced Lonlieness and I began to do a few videos on this subject as well. Apparently Elliot Roger bought into this philosophy as he was a poster on one of their forums. At it’s core TFU believes that some people are forced to be be single because society deems them unworthy of love. Most of the members are men but there are a few women. I really tore into one person who talked about how women create their own killers. Eventually this clown closed his YouTube channel. He believed that it is women’s fault for rejecting people who later come back and kill them. No doubt this clown has his own opinions of Elliot Roger and considers him to be some kind of hero. He was not. He was a person who thought himself to be superior to others based on his possessions which technically were given to him by his parents. He was a person who used people, as most people use toilet paper and when they no longer served his needs they were discarded just as easily.
While I can understand his rage against his step mother I can not comprehend his desire to kill his younger half brother. NOTE: I said I understand his rage against his step mother, I do not condone it. She drove a wedge between him and his father just as my step mother did with my father. He wrote in his manifesto about how his younger half brother had no problems with social interactions and that he just got an acting role and he was going to be a star. His step mother was an actress and his father was a director a few movies and even worked on the Hunger Games. He wrote about how he could not allow his brother to become better than him, he liked it when his little brother looked up to him and probably still did. How traumatizing it must be for this kid to learn that he was on his own brother’s hit list. His contempt for those better than him is something I don’t think I will ever understand. When I see a guy with a hot babe on his arm I don’t look at him with contempt, I give him the thumbs up and the guys usually smile back. They know what I’m saying with my thumb, I’m happy that they are getting some.
When I see someone better at something than me I don’t give up, it makes me want to work harder. Sometimes I will ask for help it depends on the situation. I’m happy when I see someone make it. I don’t turn into a jealous rage and plot to kill people. The most tragic thing in this world is wasted talent. Elliot Roger was given a lot but chose to waste it and in the process hurt a lot of innocent people. Instead of working hard he wanted everything handed to him. For that I can blame the parents.
If there is a lesson to be learned here it is this. Don’t spoil your children occasionally you need to say no, and force them to follow through, don’t allow them to give up on things without giving it their best.
The second thing is don’t allow mental illness or aspergers to be the scape goat here. There are lots of people with mental illness, people who are bipolor, skitzophrenia, PTSD, ect who live normal lives and don’t hurt anyone. Elliot Roger did not kill people because he went off his meds. Elliot Roger killed people because Elliot Roger wanted to. He made a conscious decision to inflict pain knowing full well that what he was doing was wrong.
The issue is not about mental health and it is not about guns either has half the people he killed were stabbed to death. The issue is about Elliot Roger and Elliot Roger’s slow decent into evil.